AUDIENCE: You’re not quite ascetic enough to be Holmes, Mr Robert Downey Jr.
HOLMES: My dear AUDIENCE, although this film is more full of romance, pugilism and explosions that my author could have dreamed of, I guarantee that you will be in love with me by the end of it, purely on the strength of my demonstration of the triumph of rational thought over superstition. Also, because I’m dashing.
AUDIENCE: How can you possibly know that?
HOLMES: Elemen--No, I’m not going to say that yet. You’re familiar with my methods. You know that I shall not reveal my deductive process until the end.
HOLMES: I can give you a taster, though. Here is some calculated pugilism, carefully dissected for your delectation.
WATSON: What ho, HOLMES? Bored again?
HOLMES: How could you tell?
WATSON: You’ve shot up the sitting room. Also, you’re high.
WATSON: Let’s have lunch with MARY.
HOLMES: No. I’m going to watch LORD BLACKWOOD hang.
WATSON: That sounds like so much fun.
HOLMES: More fun that watching you make eyes at some trollop.
HOLMES: Nothing. Also, no.
WATSON: Tsk. See you at lunch, dear.
LORD BLACKWOOD: Hear my creepy speech! *hangs*
HOLMES: Right, I’m off to lunch.
MARY: It’s nice to meet you.
HOLMES: In a vain attempt to put you and WATSON off one another because I’m totally not jealous, I shall now deduce your entire personal history from your appearance and share it with this crowded restaurant.
MARY: *flings wine over HOLMES, storms out*
WATSON: HOLMES, I already knew all that. *storms out*
HOLMES: This is a good steak. *eats, goes home*
IRENE ADLER: Hi! I’m far more fleshed out, metaphorically if not physically, than I am in the books. I have a case for you, HOLMES.
HOLMES: Don’t want it. Go ‘way.
IRENE: Tsk. Find this short ginger dude. I promise it’ll be interesting.
SHORT GINGER DUDE: *is dead*
LORD BLACKWOOD: *isn’t*
HOLMES: Interesting. WATSON, let’s go to the docks.
WATSON: No. I’m mad at you.
HOLMES: Whatever. You’re coming. I need to see the things. Also, to taste them.
GIANT PUGILIST: GRAAAAAAH!
HOLMES: Interesting. *fights*
HOLMES: *dangles from chains* Little help?
WATSON: Fine. But we’re still estranged because of your behaviour toward MARY.
GIANT PUGILIST: I’LL BE BAAAACK.
HOLMES and WATSON: Wrong film, idiot.
LORD BLACKWOOD: I shall now use my occult powers to kill all those who oppose me.
LORD BLACKWOOD: Think you’re not afraid of me? I’ll show you. I’ll have you…arrested!
IRENE: WATSON, we must rescue HOLMES!
WATSON: No. I’m still mad at him.
IRENE: …Seriously? You’re going to be that petty? Now?
WATSON: Oh, all right.
IRENE: My goodness. Look at all these explosions, and that band saw. How are we still alive?
HOLMES: Elementary, my dear IRENE.
IRENE: Oh, do shut up.
LORD BLACKWOOD: Will everyone stop flirting and pay attention to me?
HOLMES: What do you want?
LORD BLACKWOOD: To demonstrate my magical powers by selectively annihilating the members of Parliament who oppose me!
HOLMES: What, with this canister of chemical badness that I pulled out of your gizmo five minutes ago?
IRENE: I would like to point out that I nicked that, not HOLMES. Glory hound.
LORD BLACKWOOD: Goddammit!
HOLMES: I shall now bring you to justice, you fraudulent magician. After I explain the banal truth behind your trickery to the AUDIENCE.
AUDIENCE: YESSS WE LOVE YOU HOLMES.
HOLMES: I know, I know.
IRENE: While you were preening, LORD BLACKWOOD fell into the Thames.
LORD BLACKWOOD: AAAAaaaaaahhhhh…
WATSON: Why are you all on top of Tower Bridge scaffolding?
HOLMES: I’m surrounded by numpties.
IRENE: Except for me.
HOLMES: Yes, love. Have fun getting down from here. I’m out.
I eagerly anticipate the sequel.