|Fantastic Mr Fox in 15, no 5, minutes
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
If you have any affection whatsoever for the Roald Dahl story, Fantastic Mr Fox, do not watch this film, unless you enjoy shouting at the screen a lot (which I do). I sat through it because I wanted to make absolutely certain that it did not redeem itself in the end. It didn’t. This has allowed me to be sweary about it on the internet. Yay!
MR FOX: Even though this is taken from an English story set in England, I’m voiced by George Clooney. This is not a good beginning.
MRS FOX: I, too, am American. And why does this film start with the romantic story of how we met? And why do I only have one child, I mean, kit? I had four in the book. And what the fuck is with this visiting cousin side story that is clearly meant to illustrate the lesson of Acceptance of Differences in the usual painfully heavy-handed manner?
MR FOX: Language, darling. This is a kids’ film.
MRS FOX: Really? What’s it about? The book is about a fox that fools a bunch of evil farmers who go to stupid lengths to kill him even though his predations don’t even make a dent in their livestock. A badger and a rabbit join in later.
MR FOX: Shhh, darling.
MRS FOX: Why?
MR FOX: Spoilers.
MRS FOX Oh for fu--I mean, you’d hope that the children and the adults watching this would have read the book.
MR FOX: Oh, darling. You’re so cute.
MRS FOX: What?
MR FOX: Don’t worry, we’ll get to the story eventually.
MRS FOX: You mean after we’ve beaten people over the heads with our belief in the superiority of American Family Values, told as transparent morality tales?
MR FOX: There might be some dreadful songs as well.
MRS FOX: Goddammit.
BADGER: Will there be cider?
RAT: Awv cawrse.
MRS FOX: If this is supposed to be set in England, as one would surmise from the fact that all three farmers have British accents and the animations of the village show pillar boxes and pubs, then why the fu--hell have you got an American Southern accent, RAT?
RAT: Because I’m the obligatory immoral degenerate drunken idiot caricature.
MRS FOX: Why is that obligatory?
RAT: Too late. I’ve been killed by my own poor choices. *dies*
MRS FOX: Goddammit.
FARMERS: Right! Let’s start trying to dig out that naughty MR FOX.
MRS FOX: Finally.
FARMERS: *shovels escalate to tractors escalate to flooding*
MRS FOX: Whoa there, there wasn’t any flooding in the book. This is getting a little Biblical, isn’t it?
MR FOX: I can’t hear you over the sound of this rabid dog who’s trying to foil our kidnapping rescue.
MRS FOX: Rabid dog? Kidnapping rescue? Will someone please explain to me what the hell is going on?
MR FOX: The farmers have given up! We win! Let’s dance!
MRS FOX: …
MRS FOX: Are the kids gone? Good. Because FUCK THIS. I’m out.