|Trolljegeren (Trollhunter) in 15 minutes
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
The Scandinavians seem to have a real flair for budget horror films these days. Død Snø (Dead Snow) was one of my favourite films last year. Hippie dippy snowboarder types turn into foaming rabid killers at the first sight of Nazi zombies. What a beautiful premise.
Onward to Trollhunter.
PROLOGUE: This footage was found in the snow in north Norway. It is believed to be genuine.
PROLOGUE: ...No. For pity’s sake, suspend your disbelief, shut up and watch the film.
STUDENTS: We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of...no, actually we’re going to follow round this guy they say is killing bears illegally and maybe make a documentary for our final project.
HUNTER: *stomps around looking gruff and beardy*
STUDENTS: Excuse us, do you hunt bears?
HUNTER: Piss off.
STUDENT 1: What should we do? Should we go home or follow him?
STUDENT 2: Duh. Follow him. This movie lasts longer than five minutes.
HUNTER: *drives off into woods*
STUDENT 1: That sign says “Blast Zone: Do Not Enter”.
STUDENT 2: *rolls her eyes, moves sign, opens gate*
STUDENT 1: I never would have thought of that.
STUDENT 2: Moron.
STUDENTS: Oh, he stopped. Let’s leave our car and follow him blindly on foot. That seems like a great idea.
HUNTER: *hurtles past STUDENTS* RUUUUN!
TROLL: GRAAAAAH! *bites STUDENT 1*
STUDENTS: *split up, because this is always the best thing to do in a horror film*
TROLL: *sniffs, singles out STUDENT 3* GRAAAH!
STUDENT 3: *runs past HUNTER’s heavily armoured caravan*
HUNTER: *kills TROLL*
STUDENTS: Awesome! We filmed a troll!
HUNTER: One of you is a Christian. All of you are morons.
STUDENTS: What? Not me.
HUNTER: *points at STUDENT 2* It’s not her. Get in the van. Your car is totalled.
HUNTER: Right. Let’s go find some more trolls.
HUNTER: You’d almost think you didn’t believe you’re all going to die.
HUNTER: Oh, nothing. Spoilers. Let me tell you about troll hunting.
[repeat this section 2-3 x
HUNTER: *kills TROLL*]
HUNTER: Now I have a blood sample to give to my veterinarian friend.
VET: OK, I’ll test it.
HUNTER & VET: *long embrace*
STUDENTS: *eyebrows in hairlines*
HUNTER: We have to go kill the big bad daddy troll now.
HUNTER: Nothing. Let me tell you about the big bad daddy troll while we’re trapped in this cave with some young sleeping trolls.
STUDENT 3: I have something to confess.
HUNTER & STUDENTS 1&2: What?
STUDENT 3: I’m a Christian.
TROLLS: *wake up, devour STUDENT 3*
HUNTER & STUDENTS 1&2: *leg it*
HUNTER’s phone rings.
VET: Is this a bad time?
VET: The trolls are rabid. Sorry.
STUDENTS: What’d she say?
HUNTER to STUDENT 1: You have rabies.
STUDENT 1: Shiiii----
BIG BAD DADDY TROLL: GRAAAAAH!
HUNTER: You stay on the road. I’ll go kill it. Then you walk back to town along the road. And get STUDENT 1 to a hospital.
BIG BAD DADDY TROLL: GRAAA---*crumble*
GOVERNMENT AGENTS: Hello, STUDENTS. And goodbye.
GOVERNMENT AGENTS: Morons.
HUNTER: Tell me about it. I’m out.