PRIEST: Hello, I'm pretty and tormented. Here is a flashback sequence of me losing my best friend to the clutches of the gooey grey vampires.
CHURCH: The gooey grey vampires are all locked away forever with no hope of escape. Go about your business. Nothing to see here. Ignorance is strength. Freedom is slavery. War is peace. Wait, what film are we in again?
EVERYONE: Wow, totally didn't see that coming!
PRIEST'S BROTHER: Hi! I'm pretty and I live on a farm outside the Church-protected city. But not for much longer, because here come the gooey grey vampires.
PRIEST'S SISTER-IN-LAW: Excuse me whilst I save our daughter before I get eaten alive. Honey, don't scream.
PRIEST'S NIECE: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
VAMPIRES: Snack for later! Yay! *steal PRIEST'S NIECE*
TOWN SHERIFF: Goddammit, that's my woman. (Hi, I'm also pretty.) PRIEST, help me out here.
PRIEST: I am obedient to the Church. I will abide by their decision. To go against the Church is to go against God.
CHURCH: You can't help him.
PRIEST: *hops on wicked solar-powered motorbike* Fuck you!
CHURCH: Goddammit. (Sorry, God.)
PRIEST & SHERIFF: *kick a lot of gooey grey vampire ass*
MAGGIE Q: Hi, I'm pretty too. Also, I can whip 10x more vampire butt than you in a quarter of the time.
PRIEST & SHERIFF: Duuuude. You wanna come with us?
MAGGIE Q: *points at PRIEST* Do I get to kiss him.
PRIEST: Ye--Ah, goddammit. (Sorry, God.) No.
MAGGIE Q: It was worth a try. OK, I'm coming.
PRIEST: Cool. The plan is, we find the gooey vampire hive and kill their queen.
SHERIFF: Don't forget the part about rescuing my woman?
PRIEST: I haven't. But if she's been bitten, I'll kill her.
SHERIFF: Dude, what is wrong with you? Why is your solution to everything to kill it?
MAGGIE Q: I have to stop you there, son. That's too much psychology for this film. Please concentrate on looking good in tight leather and kicking ass. Allow me to give you another demonstration.
PRIEST & SHERIFF: Duuuude.
MAGGIE Q: Watch out, here comes the boss fight.
PRIEST'S BEST FRIEND: HaHA! I'm the one who kidnapped your daughter. Also, I'm a vampire so by rights I should be a gooey grey thing, but instead I'm Karl Urban so hi, I'm pretty.
SHERIFF: Wait...his DAUGHTER?
PRIEST: I wasn't born a priest.
MAGGIE Q: Do you want us to get sued by Joss Whedon?
SHERIFF: You were gonna kill your daughter?!
MAGGIE Q: Can we please focus on the immense amount of killing we need to do and the speeding train we need to stop?
SHERIFF: But all we have are motorbikes and shotguns.
MAGGIE Q: Luckily for you, I packed a fuckload of C4.
PRIEST & SHERIFF: Duuuude.
MAGGIE Q: *kicks ass*
PRIEST & SHERIFF: *bimble around, eventually get it right*
SHERIFF & DAUGHTER: *smooch*
PRIEST & MAGGIE Q: *stare longingly at one another with unrequited passion*
AUDIENCE: Just kiss her, you great lummox!
PRIEST: *stomps into CHURCH carrying vampire head* They've escaped.
CHURCH: Liar! Traitor! Fomenter of insurrection!
PRIEST: May I remind you that we didn't kill the vampire queen.
CHURCH: Goddammit! (Sorry, God.)
AUDIENCE: Ack! A sequel!
PRIEST: Whatever. I'm out.