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Mad Scientess Jane Expat

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Priest in 15 minutes [20111015|09:37]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
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Several of the last few films I've watched have lent themselves well to this sort of summary, so I'm going to start with Priest, starring Maggie Q and a bunch of nice-looking blokes, in 15 minutes.

PRIEST: Hello, I'm pretty and tormented. Here is a flashback sequence of me losing my best friend to the clutches of the gooey grey vampires.

CHURCH: The gooey grey vampires are all locked away forever with no hope of escape. Go about your business. Nothing to see here. Ignorance is strength. Freedom is slavery. War is peace. Wait, what film are we in again?

VAMPIRES: *escape*

EVERYONE: Wow, totally didn't see that coming!



PRIEST'S BROTHER: Hi! I'm pretty and I live on a farm outside the Church-protected city. But not for much longer, because here come the gooey grey vampires.

PRIEST'S SISTER-IN-LAW: Excuse me whilst I save our daughter before I get eaten alive. Honey, don't scream.

VAMPIRES: *chomp*


VAMPIRES: Snack for later! Yay! *steal PRIEST'S NIECE*

TOWN SHERIFF: Goddammit, that's my woman. (Hi, I'm also pretty.) PRIEST, help me out here.

PRIEST: I am obedient to the Church. I will abide by their decision. To go against the Church is to go against God.

CHURCH: You can't help him.

PRIEST: *hops on wicked solar-powered motorbike* Fuck you!

CHURCH: Goddammit. (Sorry, God.)

PRIEST & SHERIFF: *kick a lot of gooey grey vampire ass*

MAGGIE Q: Hi, I'm pretty too. Also, I can whip 10x more vampire butt than you in a quarter of the time.

PRIEST & SHERIFF: Duuuude. You wanna come with us?

MAGGIE Q: *points at PRIEST* Do I get to kiss him.

PRIEST: Ye--Ah, goddammit. (Sorry, God.) No.

MAGGIE Q: It was worth a try. OK, I'm coming.

PRIEST: Cool. The plan is, we find the gooey vampire hive and kill their queen.

SHERIFF: Don't forget the part about rescuing my woman?

PRIEST: I haven't. But if she's been bitten, I'll kill her.

SHERIFF: Dude, what is wrong with you? Why is your solution to everything to kill it?

MAGGIE Q: I have to stop you there, son. That's too much psychology for this film. Please concentrate on looking good in tight leather and kicking ass. Allow me to give you another demonstration.


MAGGIE Q: Watch out, here comes the boss fight.

PRIEST'S BEST FRIEND: HaHA! I'm the one who kidnapped your daughter. Also, I'm a vampire so by rights I should be a gooey grey thing, but instead I'm Karl Urban so hi, I'm pretty.


PRIEST: I wasn't born a priest.

MAGGIE Q: Do you want us to get sued by Joss Whedon?

SHERIFF: You were gonna kill your daughter?!

MAGGIE Q: Can we please focus on the immense amount of killing we need to do and the speeding train we need to stop?

SHERIFF: But all we have are motorbikes and shotguns.

MAGGIE Q: Luckily for you, I packed a fuckload of C4.



MAGGIE Q: *kicks ass*

PRIEST & SHERIFF: *bimble around, eventually get it right*


PRIEST & MAGGIE Q: *stare longingly at one another with unrequited passion*

AUDIENCE: Just kiss her, you great lummox!

PRIEST: *stomps into CHURCH carrying vampire head* They've escaped.

CHURCH: Liar! Traitor! Fomenter of insurrection!

PRIEST: May I remind you that we didn't kill the vampire queen.

CHURCH: Goddammit! (Sorry, God.)

AUDIENCE: Ack! A sequel!

PRIEST: Whatever. I'm out.

From: anokapolis
2011-10-15 16:52 (UTC)
You should take over Roger Ebert journal:)
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2011-10-15 18:56 (UTC)
Ahaha. He probably makes an effort not to reveal spoilers. Unfortunately, spoilers are essential for this style of review.
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[User Picture]From: dizzykj
2011-10-15 18:26 (UTC)
This is just awesome. If I asked *really* nicely, will you take requests?!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2011-10-15 18:55 (UTC)
It's your birthday (almost)! Of course, but just to be sure I've seen the film, give me 2-3 choices.
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[User Picture]From: dizzykj
2011-10-15 19:17 (UTC)
How about Spy Game, Star Trek XI, Blade or Underworld?
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2011-10-15 19:43 (UTC)
I haven't seen Spy Game. I can, however, fulfill Blade and Underworld right now because I did them a few years ago.

I'll brew up Star Trek XI for you in the next couple of days.
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[User Picture]From: dizzykj
2011-10-15 20:32 (UTC)
Only read Blade so far - tee hee and lots of laughing! Right. Now I shall read Underworld!
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[User Picture]From: dizzykj
2011-10-15 20:39 (UTC)
"KRAVEN: At last! My goal is achieved. No more actors in this movie without cheekbones that can cut glass."

Smiley happy fan girl - thank you!

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[User Picture]From: nanila
2011-10-16 09:12 (UTC)
Ahaha! That was one of my favourite lines to write in that review. :D
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[User Picture]From: giles
2011-10-22 00:55 (UTC)
I still can't believe how much I liked that movie. When Maggie Q DIDN'T get blowed up for her almost-man, I was like WOOOOOOOO. And to think I only started watching it 'cause they got that guy out of True Blood, let him KEEP his fake Southern accent, and then had him killed by vampires.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2011-10-25 16:48 (UTC)
Yeah, it's funny how the tough girl often dies before the end of action films. Witness just about nearly every film that Michelle Rodriguez has been in.
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