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Mad Scientess Jane Expat

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Life in the UK: A Journey to Citizenship. [20090527|10:02]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
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As some of you may know, I have been in the UK for nearly five years. This means I must shortly apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain before my visas (yes, I have more than one) expire. The UK requires all permanent settlers and persons who desire to become citizens to take a 24-question "Life in the UK" test of their knowledge of British culture, politics and law.

I received my study guides yesterday, and must confess I find myself disappointed. Therefore, I have created my own 10-question test, and I submit it to you, my LJ friends, as the definitive version. Don't worry about getting the answers right. I'm still not sure what the right answers to some of these are myself. And neither is Britain.

Poll #1406406 Life in the UK: A Journey to Citizenship

The UK is a part of Europe.


The rail network has:

Extensive coverage of the most commonly use routes. It's a little expensive if you don't book in advance though.
Delayed engineering works.

Britain is:

Totally freakin awesome dude! I wanna live here.
Rather good.

What is a quango?

A non-departmental public body.
Four mangoes.

When you get drunk with a British person, you should do the following the next morning:

Make jokes about how hung over you are.
Never, ever mention it again.

The easiest place to find gratuitous boobs is:

Page 3.

The most common topic of tea-time conversation is:


The population of Scotland is:

5 million.

When on holiday in a foreign country, it is vital to learn at least a few words of the language before you travel.


How do you tell if an English person likes you?

When s/he invites you to the pub.
When s/he sleeps with you.
When s/he asks you to marry him/her.
You don't.

6-10: You should be allowed to settle here immediately.
0-5: Give it a couple more years.

[User Picture]From: opheliablue
2009-05-27 14:02 (UTC)
i missed out the rail one - i swear i meant to pick the engineering works answer :)
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-05-28 15:01 (UTC)
Thank you for the clarification. It suits the purposes of this Very Scientific Undertaking.
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[User Picture]From: becala
2009-05-27 18:17 (UTC)
I feel like I have been reading your blog so faithfully that I am ready to become a citizen myself.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-05-28 15:00 (UTC)
Would you really want to, though? Are my descriptions that appealing?
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[User Picture]From: alice_mccoy
2009-05-27 18:36 (UTC)
Its been five plus years now so which bits of our Englishess still strike you as odd?

I dated an American and I could never abide the way he spoke VERY LOUDLY in restaurants and always expected staff to actually care abut what he chose or thought about the food and/or service. Excrutiating!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-05-28 13:59 (UTC)
Which bits don't?

Seriously, though, the toilets not flushing the first time. That's the one thing I can't get used to. I met a toilet last week whose handle I had to push (and hold!) five times before it would flush. FIVE TIMES!
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From: nicklechicken
2009-05-27 20:51 (UTC)
I am surprised that I have taken that test before you because you have been here longer! I did mine about a year ago and that test is ridiculous. I had a question on mine that asked how to make Victorian sponge cake. And another on how to make a cup of tea. I studied like CRAZY, my husband made MANY mock quizzes for me, and he grilled me daily.
My conclusion is that I think they want to make sure that you have a good grasp of the English language and that you have the capacity to learn and retain that info. You are a scientist for Pete's sake. You will pass with flying colours! See how I spelled COLORS?!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-05-28 13:45 (UTC)
Ah, but I think because you are married, you are allowed to do your ILR application sooner.
See, it's the prospect of something like the Victoria sponge question that terrifies me. I mean, I only found out what it was about a month ago at a National Trust tea room because a little old man in the queue in front of me got really excited when he saw it.
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From: alice_mccoy
2009-05-28 15:55 (UTC)
Better revise the subject of SCONES thats SSSS-CONES not SCON-ZZZ and what comprises High Tea or a Cornish Cream Tea.
Now that is a proper citizenship test.
Oh and milk goes in the cup before you pour the tea.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-05-28 13:41 (UTC)
I think my living arrangements require me to agree that MACKEM >> GEORDIE.
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[User Picture]From: danaid_luv
2009-05-28 05:51 (UTC)
Faaabulous list. Scotland question earned a snort. ;)
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-05-28 13:41 (UTC)
Butbutbut you did not answer!
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[User Picture]From: danaid_luv
2009-05-29 00:22 (UTC)
Oh no! *gets right to it*
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-06-01 14:57 (UTC)
*does a little dance*
Thank you!
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[User Picture]From: nimoloth
2009-05-28 17:55 (UTC)
I'm tee-total!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2009-05-29 06:52 (UTC)
Yes, I remember! You were one of the light/non-drinking Scots I had in mind when I wrote my poll analysis.
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