Subject: ZOMBIE APPEAL
Hello everyone. Knew I'd find a use for this group eventually. Here's an appeal.
Ever fancied being a zombie? You have? Good. Because this is a once-in-a-deathtime chance to be part of a terrifying undead army of the damned.
We need volunteer zombies willing to appear in Dead Set, a horror thriller type thing I’ve written for E4 / C4. It will doubtless be the finest TV programme ever made: one you’ll tell your children about for hours until they beg you to shut up. And you can get involved.
On either Thursday 8th or Friday 9th May we’re shooting some unpleasantry involving a horde of undead bastards swarming around trying to eat people. I’ll be there in person myself, mingling in amongst the crowd. I won’t need much make-up. If the cameras aren't rolling, feel free to say hello and annoy me.
Does this sound like the sort of thing you’d like to take part in? And are you available on at least one of those dates? Hooray. Let’s have your details. But first, a few pointers, which should help sort the rotten wheat from the decomposing chaff:
1. Please don’t volunteer unless you’re prepared to ‘go the distance’, as some twat off The Apprentice might say. We’ll be shooting from late afternoon until the wee small hours of the morning. There will be moments where you get bored (something real zombies never do, of course). We need people who won’t slope off somewhere. Committed zombies only please.
2. Wear your shittest clothes. By which I mean items you don’t mind getting fake blood and dirt on. They may get ruined. But hey – you’ll have a nice souvenir. Also, try not to wear bright colours. Our zombies have been standing around outside for several days. London Fashion Week this is not. Ooh, and these are ‘modern’ running zombies, so don’t wear high heels or anything daft like that.
3. Please don’t plaster yourself with your own fake blood or make-up. These aren't 'funny' zombies. We’ll either take care of it for you or position you at a distance where it won’t matter. If you own your own pair of white iris contact lenses and you’re happy to wear them, that’s great – you may even get a whopping great close-up – but if you don’t, don’t take risks with your own eyes.
4. Remember what I said about wearing shitty clothes? Make sure you’ve got a nice layer on underneath. It may get cold out there.
5. You have to be at least 18 years of age and in good health.
6. We will arrange transport to and from the location, which is in the middle of pissing nowhere. We’ll set up a meeting point in London and take you from there by bus.
Interested in being a zombie? Then email email@example.com with your name, age and contact details (phone, email, address). Put 'ZOMBIE' in the subject heading. We will contact you with further information (where, when, how, etc) as the time nears. Feel free to pass this information on to friends, but make sure they read and digest all the pointers above.
Since we are to be modern, fast-moving zombies, I've decided to wear my most ripped-up pair of faded jeans, bashed trainers and my black "What We Need More Of Is Science" hoodie, which is already bleach-stained and streaked with paint. I have no theatrical aspirations, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to be made up to look absolutely hideous and then run through a field shrieking.
NO. The idea is to survive the zombie apocalypse WITHOUT getting turned, dummy.
Oh how I would love to join you in feasting on tasty brains, if only I were anywhere remotely near London.
I signed up first. Therefore, you're technically joining me.