|Men: A Phrasebook
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
There's an e-mail joke that periodically makes the rounds featuring the things women say and their translations, and the things men say and their translations. Nearly all of the ones for the men have something to do with wanting sex or beer, haha. Because men are transparent, obvious creatures, unlike women.|
Years of experience have led me to conclude that men are exactly the same as women: manipulative, moody, exasperating and emotionally weird. And I can prove it through the interpretation of the following statements, which I've heard from many different men.
"I'm a simple man." Oh ho ho. Haha. Hee hee hee. No, what this really means is, "I want food, sex and alcohol. However, I also have a whole host of other expectations, none of which I'm willing to articulate, that I expect you to figure out. If you don't, I will subject you to resentful silence, which you'll probably miss, because it sounds exactly like all the other types of silence, which will in turn permit me to resent you even more."
"I just want you to be happy." What this really means: "I'm unhappy. Please leave."
"You're beautiful." What this really means: "I want something from you. In order of probability, this thing could be: sex, food, alcohol or emotional support. On the occasions when it's emotional support, you will very likely mistake it for one of the other three, which means that, haha, I get to resent you!"
"I love dating a smart woman." What this really means: "I love dating a smart woman, as long as your intelligence remains an abstraction. Please never tell me anything I don't already know."
"I don't mind if we see other people." What this really means: "Please only sleep with other women. Preferably hot women. Also, take photos so I can jerk off to them later. Thanks!"
Finally, the most deadly man-tool in the arsenal: silence. What this really means: "I'm trying to sleep. If you knew what was good for you, you'd let me, because when I wake up, I'll have forgotten all the reasons I had for resenting you."
(Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: The foregoing is a joke. I don't really believe that stuff. Well, most of it. Please consider this before you start lecturing me on how wrongly I've gotten things. Or at least, if you're going to do it, make it funny.)
Perhaps I should attempt to build a religion based on these remarkable revelations. I'm absolutely positive there's no precedent for such an absurd proposition.
I'm not listening but have been trained by females since birth to manage a passsable imitation of same. I'm agreeing because disagreeing has consequences whereas, since you are probably burbling irrelevant tosh, agreeing doesn't and I can carry on with my game of Civ3, WoW or whatever comparatively undisturbed.
What is with that sleep thing anyway when there is talking to be done? You'd think they needed it to keep from going psychotic or something.
"When can we meet next?": When we meet next, are you going to put out?
My personal favourite is the following...
woman: "What's wrong?"
man: "Nothing" But what he really means is "I've got my panties in a bunch about something but instead of telling you right now I will reman sullen and shitty for the entire evening making sure that neither one of us has a good time. Then when we get home I'm going to bitch about what's been wrong the entire evening, ensuring that the rest of your night is ruined too."
2007-03-21 22:03 (UTC)
Yes, except when the woman's question of "What's wrong?" really means "I'm not happy and you haven't notice. You should be asking this question of me."
I've never done that, I don't have a problem making myself heard when I have an issue. Then again, I spent a year and a half living with the original scenario that I posted. He would litereally be pouting (like a child) when we would be out in public, and would refuse to tell me what was wrong.
It got to the point that I would ask him what was wrong, and when he said "nothing" I would give up and ignore him and enjoy myself wherever we were. Then, when we would get home and he would want to bitch to me about something I would tell him that I wasn't interested in playing his little game.
He was an ass.
It took me far too long to figure out the silence = sleep thing.
As far as gross generalizations go, these are some of the best I've read yet.
I think this question should always be answered with, "Cake!" Possibly even "Chocolate cake!"
At the top of one's lungs, naturally.
Or, if you aren't in the mood for cake: BOOBIES!
I'm a complicated man and I just want you to be miserable. I love dating dumb, beautiful women, and I don't mind if I see other people. I'm going to sleep now.
Okay. Just as long as you don't forget to resent me in the morning.
Done. But I don't have to remember why. I like boobies icon.
Of course, the obverse could be true, women might also be "transparent, obvious creatures".
Erm... maybe not. Scratch that idea.
OK, we're as mad as you are.
Are you trying to tell me that there is more to life than food, sex and alcohol? Get away!
Goodness me, no. I mean, sure, hypothetically there's more, but personally? As long as I've got those three, the rest can go hang.
You know, I bet we could generalize that one. "I like [insert positive, traditionally masculine character trait here] women/girls," with same translation.
Listen I have to tell you how wrongly you've gotten things. First off....
HA HA HA!
PS. I'm a dumbass.