Mad Scientess Jane Expat (nanila) wrote,
Mad Scientess Jane Expat

Men: A Phrasebook

There's an e-mail joke that periodically makes the rounds featuring the things women say and their translations, and the things men say and their translations. Nearly all of the ones for the men have something to do with wanting sex or beer, haha. Because men are transparent, obvious creatures, unlike women.


Years of experience have led me to conclude that men are exactly the same as women: manipulative, moody, exasperating and emotionally weird. And I can prove it through the interpretation of the following statements, which I've heard from many different men.

"I'm a simple man." Oh ho ho. Haha. Hee hee hee. No, what this really means is, "I want food, sex and alcohol. However, I also have a whole host of other expectations, none of which I'm willing to articulate, that I expect you to figure out. If you don't, I will subject you to resentful silence, which you'll probably miss, because it sounds exactly like all the other types of silence, which will in turn permit me to resent you even more."

"I just want you to be happy." What this really means: "I'm unhappy. Please leave."

"You're beautiful." What this really means: "I want something from you. In order of probability, this thing could be: sex, food, alcohol or emotional support. On the occasions when it's emotional support, you will very likely mistake it for one of the other three, which means that, haha, I get to resent you!"

"I love dating a smart woman." What this really means: "I love dating a smart woman, as long as your intelligence remains an abstraction. Please never tell me anything I don't already know."

"I don't mind if we see other people." What this really means: "Please only sleep with other women. Preferably hot women. Also, take photos so I can jerk off to them later. Thanks!"

Finally, the most deadly man-tool in the arsenal: silence. What this really means: "I'm trying to sleep. If you knew what was good for you, you'd let me, because when I wake up, I'll have forgotten all the reasons I had for resenting you."

(Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: The foregoing is a joke. I don't really believe that stuff. Well, most of it. Please consider this before you start lecturing me on how wrongly I've gotten things. Or at least, if you're going to do it, make it funny.)
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