- Buttoned-down shirts. No one knows how to wear shirts the way English guys do. Most guys look pretty good when they're all cleaned up, of course, but there's something about the way English men choose the fit and cut of their shirts that makes me go all wibbly. American guys might say, well, they just choose tighter-fitting shirts. The thing is, so do the Europeans, and they don't have this effect on me, they just make me confused about whether or not they're gay.
- Jeans. Okay, I'll come off the clothes in a minute (har!) but seriously, whatever it is you're looking for when you go into the dressing room, dear English boys, don't stop. Also: nice ass.
- Mouths. Not every English bloke has a pretty mouth. The ones that do, though, have exceptionally kissable lips. Oh my god, that was kind of sappy. I think I'm making myself blush a little bit now.
- Conversation. They're interested in having them! At length! And they don't automatically become deeply aggrieved when you disagree with them! (This might count as a serious gripe against Americans, actually. We take ourselves waaaay too seriously.) Also, I enjoy the constant mockery that goes on between groups of English people who know one another very well.
- Fraught silence. Since English guys are largely incapable of emotional articulation except in the most intimate circumstances and/or when exceedingly drunk,* everything must be read from the eyes and body language. In some ways this is extremely annoying. Mostly, though, the tension makes me hot. (Yes, I know, there's something wrong with me.)
- The accent. I hope you all appreciate how difficult this is for me to admit. I have an almost visceral hatred for American girls who swoon for a British accent and think that everyone in the country must sound like the BBC. Believe me, darling, the first time you hear a white van man shout, "'Ere, show us yer tits, luv!" when you're walking down the street with your groceries and you're tired and you just want to get home goddammit, you will no longer be in love with any English accent. A posh accent can be lovely, but I think I'm fondest of regional accents that have been smoothed off by academia yet are still recognizably, say, North London.
* I'm so going to get slaughtered for this statement.