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On condom usage [20061010|11:04]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
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This rant brought to you by a discussion with a male acquaintance who puts it about and told me he doesn't regularly use condoms.

It's a good thing I like him because I was having a lot of trouble not diving across the table to grab him by the throat and throttle him. Instead I diplomatically pointed out that he was taking big risks by relying on his partners to be on birth control, and if he was willing to accept that he might make someone pregnant, well, uh, good for him. But if he ever came to me and complained that he'd caught an STI? I was going to have no sympathy.

I don't understand this attitude. It's not like HIV has been cured. It's not like chlamydia and gonorrhea and herpes and hepatitis have suddenly disappeared. It's not like the chances of getting pregnant have magically decreased over the past few years. But I seem to be hearing more and more people saying that they don't like and don't use condoms.

Seriously. What the fuck. Who are all these people who are fucking without condoms? What the hell are they thinking?

People are horny. You have a good chance of getting off with a lot of them. Perhaps slightly more of them if you're physically attractive but even if you're not, I'd be willing to bet that there's more than one person out there who wants to fuck you. If you go to bed with someone who doesn't automatically bring out a condom, do it yourself. If that someone complains about it? Tell him tough shit and make him use it - assuming you still want to fuck his whiny ass after that. Otherwise, put your clothes on, walk out the door and find yourself someone else to play with.

If you're a guy and the person you're about to penetrate wants you to use a condom, shut the fuck up and put one on. Personally, I award a guy bonus points if he does so as a matter of course.

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From: ripperlyn
2006-10-10 10:41 (UTC)
...I'm shocked. Living in London, where people *regularly* go out and hook up, what kind of ass-headed idiot would think they weren't going to catch *something* by not using protection?!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 07:04 (UTC)
Apparently there are a lot of them. Since you can catch some infections through non-penetrative fluid exchange, I think you're being a moron if you don't get tested on a regular basis, too.
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[User Picture]From: cataragon
2006-10-10 10:47 (UTC)
Dear God.

Some people are Very Very Stupid.

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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 07:32 (UTC)
I find it disturbing that so many of them can be intelligent and responsible in other areas of their lives and so terribly reckless in this one.
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[User Picture]From: returntosender
2006-10-10 11:07 (UTC)
Denial, there. >:O!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 07:34 (UTC)
As I said to cataragon above, it freaks me out that there are so many people I know who are otherwise warm, intelligent, responsible and caring who can be so blindly reckless when it comes to sex.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 07:37 (UTC)
I guess part of the problem is that the consequences aren't immediately apparent. If it doesn't smack you in the face the instant you've done it, you just don't get it. Sometimes I wonder if people ever really get past being two years old in terms of discipline.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 07:40 (UTC)
It's astonishing to me how intelligent and responsible some of these people are in other areas of their lives. It seems like sex is a blind spot for a lot of them. I don't get it.
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From: libra_verde5
2006-10-10 14:26 (UTC)
Daft people like this are the reason that STD's are still rampant.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 22:28 (UTC)
Yes. Exactly. And they don't get that at all.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 06:48 (UTC)
I know! What else can you do besides stomp up and down and tell them how stupid they are, though. Well, except for refusing to sleep with them but I'm guessing that's not really a problem for you with these particular friends.
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[User Picture]From: repoman
2006-10-10 14:46 (UTC)
I'll take a big step here and say it: I hate wearing condoms. If there is something out there that can take away from a pleasurable experience between two naked people, it would be them. They dull the experience for the guy completely. I always feel like I'm wearing a tight turtleneck sweater around my john-thomas. So, if I could, I would never use one...

That said, I would never fuck somebody new without one. The lethal diseases alone scare the hell out of me (HIV, children, Herpies C). Date a month or two and, if a monagomous committment has been established , I will happily ditch one for another type of birth control.

Have I always used one? No. There have been those moments of lust where it was not immediately available or it just plain didn't happen. I felt nervous after each time until I got tested. A couple hours of pleasure never outweighed the days of worry. I have yet to catch anything and I'm planning on keeping it that way. The one time I had a VD scare (fuck-friend thought she got it from another lover...but didn't) was enough to make sure I always covered that stump before I humped...and if a condom isn't available, that's why God created oral sex and handjobs.

So did you get him to wear one? ;)
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[User Picture]From: sadira42
2006-10-10 14:52 (UTC)
There is a trend these days of much less condom use and it shocks me. I think the perception is that HIV is manageable now and that all the other diseases are curable, which is patently false. But I have heard much about people not using condoms and I, too, want to throttle them all. And it's particularly unfair to women (I think) because not only do they have to take pills if they don't want to be pregnant, but they also have a higher chance of becoming infected from a man than vice versa. It is teh suck and I personally would not sleep with anyone who whined about condoms. But I don't think it should be all on women's shoulders. We need to push dudes to take some responsibility.
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[User Picture]From: kreie
2006-10-10 16:36 (UTC)

right on.

I was ranting about this subject to my friends the other day. I said that for some reason, birth control is seen as the woman's job and the woman is expected to bring the condoms because men WILl forget it, and men complain way too much about how birth control threatens their masculinity. I personally find it fucking frightening when anybody, anybody at all, uses just hormonal methods outside of an established, fluid-bonded, partners-previously-tested relationship.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 22:32 (UTC)
You're absolutely right. It really fucks me off that bc is seen as a woman's job, and that STI protection is too. It seems to be our duty to be the ones who get tested regularly and are "clean." Hello, that's everybody's responsibility.
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[User Picture]From: vndictivesprite
2006-10-10 17:42 (UTC)

On contraception

So the last time I slept with a guy we were in the middle of crazyness when during a break he mentioned something about not wanting to put another condom on. Now, first off my main concern is that i haven't been tested with him, but I chose a more diplomatic thing to say other than "I don't know where that's been!" and informed him that I'm not on the pill (which I'm not). You would have thought I'd slapped him across the face and told him to "fuck off". He immediately starts grilling me as to why not. I told him that quite frankly after being garantee'd anywhere from 1 - 3 migraines in a row each month due to the drop in pill provided hormones I had decided it wasn't worth it. I'm not in a commited relationship so I'm not having regular sex, why on earth would I want to put up with that. I then told him that while condoms are not as successful as the pill they should be just fine.

Eventually he agreed but I was surprised at how much I had to defend my right not to put pills in my body. It's a good thing he was very cute and very good at what he did or I would have been much more upset about it in hindsight.
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[User Picture]From: minirth
2006-10-11 15:40 (UTC)

Re: On contraception

I was surprised at how much I had to defend my right not to put pills in my body


I can understand someone not understanding how much the pill can wreck your life with the side effects -- hell, I used the pill for over a decade with no ill effects. But for someone to start grilling you about not being on the pill and why not and what's wrong with you... I'm just flabbergasted.
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[User Picture]From: angelcityblues
2006-10-10 17:43 (UTC)

There's a rule: No condom? No nookie.

Period. There is no exception, no discussion, nada, zip, zilch.

I do not award bonus points if he puts one on as a matter of course. It should be a matter of course, no bonus points necessary. What IS necessary is protection at all times.

If he gives me shit about it? Out.

If he whines? Out.

If he says, "Come on baby, just the tip?" OUT OUT OUT.

I've had sex without them - with people I was in a committed relationship with, or as committed as a girl like me can trust a guy to be. But with someone new? Hell no.

I don't understand that kind of behaviour. It vacillates between irresponsible and reprehensible.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 06:54 (UTC)
Hm, I guess my expectations are lower than yours. This probably sounds terrible, but there are an awful lot of assholes out there and I'm generally surprised to find someone who's respectful and considerate, hence the bonus points.
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[User Picture]From: sekl
2006-10-10 20:48 (UTC)

Survey says

According to The Week:

40% of Europeans do not use condoms for casual sex.
66% of Eastern Europeans do not use condoms to prevent HIV transmission.

Many had no idea how the virus was actually transmitted.

And as for America, I just find sex ed lacking in ed all together. Our high school class was taught by a woman who blushed at the word intercourse, and I remember having to explain to my classmate that in no way could the pill be considered a barrier method of birth control.

So, yes individuals are being stupid, but I feel there's a real misinformation war out there enabling their stupidity.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 07:03 (UTC)
I think you're right. I don't think sex ed is taught properly, as in early enough, often enough (with lots of demonstrations, e.g. banana + condom) or by the right people. I find the notion of abstinence-only sex ed absolutely terrifying as statistics show that when people do decide abstinence isn't for them, they tend to have unsafe sex. There's nothing wrong or sinful about knowing how how to protect yourself and your partner from STIs and pregnancy. Deciding whether or not to put that knowledge into practice is an entirely separate issue.
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[User Picture]From: taische
2006-10-11 00:33 (UTC)
I had a long-time female friend tell me the other day that she doesn't use condoms (this while we were on the subject of mutual attraction). This is someone who works in healthcare and who is seeing four guys concurrently, so all I could manage was to stare at her in disbelief. Suffice it to say that we will never be sleeping together, of course.

Not only will I not have sex without a condom unless a partner and I are in a de facto long-term monogamous phase in the relationship (even where polyfidelity has been agreed to I consider condoms to not be optional), after testing and, of course, a detailed discussion of any relevant clinical history (this assuming my partner specifically requests it and chooses to be on the pill), but I do not dispense with a discussion of recent tests or clinically relevant details of recent sexual history with ANY partner. If someone isn't comfortable with a frank discussion (I broach the subject lightly and openly), then I don't see why they should be comfortable sharing something as intimate as sex with me. Period. Some people are put off a bit by my directness on that front, but that's fine by me- I see it as a kind of character-filter.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 22:42 (UTC)
It's difficult to know what to say to someone who manages to perform such amazing feats of sophistry so they can have a little extra "fun."

It also surprises me how many people find such frank discussions off-putting. It's not like they need to be lengthy or heart-rending. They just need to happen. It's a little brief check to keep the involved parties safe, and then once the conditions have been satisfied, set it aside and move on. It's, well. Like putting on a goddamn condom. >:E
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[User Picture]From: tepesh
2006-10-11 03:30 (UTC)
no condom = no sex. Its that simple.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2006-10-11 07:07 (UTC)
Preach it, please!
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