I haven't found an end to it. I actually glory in the brief moments of respite I find when the strength to ignore those things that just eat at my sense of self-confidence and do something completely outside my normal bounds.
Technically, they are still issues if you know where they come from. They stop being issues when they don't negatively influence your life. I think a big part of it is figuring out a way to forgive ourselves for things we did when we didn't know any better. If I figure out how to do it, I'll be sure to let you know.
My life will be a lot happier the day I can eradicate several Moments of Shame. Or even just one of them.
I don't know...I'm not trying to hijack your post. It just hit a lot of nerves, and I know exactly where you're coming from.
I don't think that having a sympathetic reaction constitutes hijacking a post. If you'd come in and posted a long comment about the difficulties you were having in naming your new puppy, I might have been offended, or at least really confused. As it is though, part of the point of LJ is seeing how your personal experiences resonate with others', and if something you write prompts them to examine their own, that's an achievement for you and for them. While poking at your insecurities might not be the most fun thing to do, doing it in a forum like this, where you can generally count on people to be kind to one another, makes it easier.
*hugs* well I think you're great, take care you
Well, whaddaya know, I think you're pretty great too. :-D
Not that I can relate to those things you do, but I liked the way you shared them; they make total sense. :o)
You know, it's kinda nifty to hear that someone who doesn't have similar issues understands them anyway. Thanks.
thankyou for not lj-cutting this. x
Thank you for reading it.
Interesting, and of course, made me think of my own fears and insecurities, examining them again. Which I think is a good sign of personal writing, if you can read it and relate it to yourself.
My question for you is, what now? What steps do you take to grow stronger? Where do these fears appear in your day-to-day life, now that you see the roots of them in the past?
I imagine you didn't intend for me to answer those questions straightaway in a comment, but thank you for asking them all the same. It's helpful to hear of the sympathetic reactions of others. It's also nice to have them gently prod you forward.
I have the feeling this is not a struggle that ends. Ever.
You're right. It doesn't. But it does sharpen over time into ever more specific points that are able to be addressed individually.
The most important thing to remember is, as we change, we will find ourselves re-examining old ground, because the assimilation of what we have learned creates a new context and perspective with which to view and manage the issue.
Sound familiar? Maybe that's because science works exactly the same way.
Hello, you. I was just thinking the other day that I missed your voice on this here forum.
I see your parallel (and raise you an axiom). It's funny how, when I was six, thirteen, nineteen, being on the cusp of thirty seemed like the point at which I'd have everything figured out - career, relationships, home, etc. Because that was years and years away. Plenty of time to tick off all the goals on my list. I think for me, the biggest step towards maturity was learning that I didn't actually want to achieve the magical, static state of perfect happiness, if that's even possible. I like the ingenuity a dynamic system forces out of me, even when it hurts, and will precipitate change if it's not thrust upon me.
It's very good that you can identify these fears. I have alot of fears, but I cannot identify them very well, or explain them very well. They are just all a blur, I think. I wish I could because then I think I can try to work on them.
But I do have an issue with 'fear of abandonment'. Sometimes I ruin relationships before they have time to go anywhere. I know that one, so I am trying my best not to let it happen again.
But at least your fear of failure has a positive side as well (although frustrating to you), because of it you have accomplished so much more than many people in this world.
I think if you're aware of the sources of your reactions to things and let them just sort of march around in the back of your mind while you're busy living your life, eventually you come to a point where it's less painful to take them out an examine them. It was years before I could even write about some of these memories in a diary that only I would ever read, I was so ashamed of them.
I was actually wondering what you thought you might do now that you're seeing someone seriously here. You're presently on a two-year visa, right? Were you thinking if things worked out, you might stay, or is that too far in the future yet? It's amazing how fast the time goes...
Wow. I could have written your shame and failure paragraphs. Slightly different examples, but same feelings, fears. All you need is a paragraph or two on body image and...Right. This isn't about me.
The above being said, I think I can quietly recognize some of where you're coming from. And I don't know what the answers are... But I have to believe that sharing helps. It's the secrets that can eat away at us w/ no-one to intervene. Not that your flist is burgeoning w/ folks wearing bright red capes & stretchy tights, but it can be a mental/emotional sharing of your load. He*ll, it's just nice to know someone else cares, you know?
Meanwhile, I...don't have the right words in reaction to your being shipped off each year at the tender age of...7? Good God. That would have broken me. You're likely made of tougher stuff, but...well, it obviously did have an effect, yeah? I wish I could have been a kindly teacher to notice you then and scoop you up for the extra amount of loves you needed.
Hm, you're the second person to remark on this not being about you. Although it may not be about you, part of the point of writing stuff like this is to see whether or not it resonates with other people's personal experiences. And like you said, it's comforting to hear that others understand and relate. It takes the sting out of remembrance.
Don't get me wrong, my grandparents were very good to me. They did their best to take care of me, although they were never physically affectionate with me, which was tough sometimes. That's probably another issue I need to address someday, my lack of comfort with initiating touching people. Anyway, I appreciate the sympathetic wishes. *squeezes you* <--see, I get better. :-D
I don't have anything constructive to add, mostly just quiet nodding. Yeah.
S'cool. Thanks for the silent empathy, it's good too.
It never really stops, it just sort of ebbs and then starts a new cycle. It's funny, though, there's a part of me that continues to expect that someday, if I work hard enough at it, I'll reach that magical static plateau of ultimate happiness. It's totally unrealistic, and even if it were possible to attain such a state, I imagine it'd bore me to death. :-P
2005-11-16 04:43 (UTC)
Issues and all, it sounds like you've lived a fabulous and full life so far.
(pssst, Punahou wasn't worth the money)
Thank you, and yes, I suppose I have.
I'll take your word for it. Also, that sucks, considering that tuition is now 13k+ per year. Thirteen grand! For KINDERGARTEN! Seriously, wtf. How can you design a curriculum that's worth thirteen grand for a five-year-old?
This is yet another favorite of mine.
I would ask for a pair of your panties in exchange for the tear I've brought to your eye, but somehow I have the feeling that would get us both in trouble.
Right on for posting this. You can't unlive what happened in your life, but knowing where all the sinkholes are can show you where not to build upon.
The other kings said I was daft to build a castle in the swamp, but I built it all the same!
I chant the mantra. I am pretty and everyone wants to give me candy. I am pretty and everyone wants to give me candy. Say, do you think if I ask, they'll give me Oreos instead? :-D
Well, if you pinpoint issues, you can finally do something about them. This point reminds me of the intro to Death : The High Cost of Living that Tori wrote. I found it when I wasn't feeling too happy and it resonated. A message was if you can't see where you are clearly, you can't see the way to get out of it either. And it takes a lot of courage to face these things. A friend of mine, through some therapy, finally acknowledged that some of her destructive behavior were due to childhood events. And she is realizing this all in her 50's. Best to have the courage to see as soon as possible.
As others have said, these are pretty universal fears, though each person has their own manifestation of them. I definitely share in the fears of shame and failure, and I'll add fear of rejection to that list, though I guess these are in a way interrelated. I've been working on the failure one for some time, and I've dealt with that one with what I call, Accepting My Mediocrity. Most people I explain this to find the need to say how self defeating it is. shrug.
I fully endorse what you are trying to do, not to let your fears to keep you from following your own path. I think the fact that you can see them means you will be able to. Go you! I have hopes that we do learn to deal with these fears as we age though. They say, in our 40's we realize that some of our dreams will not be realized and we have our crisis, and then with each decade we leave another hangup behind. Assuming you have your health, people say that their 80's were their best years. I assume octogenarians are not doing some of the things we can do when younger, but some are much happier I guess.
I'm going to have to dig that out and re-read it. I think constant self-examination is an important part of life. Re-treading certain portions of old ground (say, the humiliating ones) too often can be just as bad as burying them, so it's a delicate balance.
I totally get Accepting My Mediocrity, and I think it has something to do with my experience in science. I know I was pretty good at it. I also know I was exactly that: pretty good. The scientific research community isn't suffering hugely because I'm no longer involved in it. I know what scientific brilliance looks like, and I don't pretend to have it. There are very few who do. I'd say I knew one graduate student in all my time in academia who had it. When we were fourth-years, he was giving seminars to the math department. Not only was he amazing at science, he was also a really nice, humble guy. That's someone to whom I'd consider it positively criminal not to hand a tenure-track position. Of course, that doesn't mean I couldn't make my own worthwhile contribution, just that I don't see it as a big deal that I'm not planning to devote the remainder of my existence on this earth to it.