Mad Scientess Jane Expat (nanila) wrote,
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
nanila

Blade in fifteen minutes

Once upon a time, I wrote a fifteen-minute parody of one of my favorite cheesy vampire flicks.

I did it again.

Blade in fifteen minutes

SCENE ONE

TRACI LORDS: Hi, I got paid a ridiculous amount of cash to be in this movie for all of five minutes, but I want you to know that the role I'm playing is actually much more complex than it might appear at first gla –
BLADE: No one asked you to talk, bitch. *stab*
TRACI LORDS: GODDAMMIT!
DEACON FROST: Hi, I'm Stephen Dorff, and I'd like to thank the director for casting me in the role of, uh, Stephen Dorff.
QUINN: I wanna fight Blade!
DORFF/FROST: Be my guest. *runs away*
BLADE: *wins*
QUINN: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE TWO

KAREN JENSEN: I'm a hematologist in a vampire movie. This doesn't bode well for me.
QUINN: Ooh, food! *bites KAREN*
KAREN: See, I told you.

SCENE THREE

WHISTLER: I help Blade kill vampires.
KAREN: Great. Need some help?
WHISTLER: Okay, but first we have to dangle you in front of them so we can find their leader.
KAREN: Dude, this role sucks.
WHISTLER: You're a hematologist in a vampire movie. What did you expect?
KAREN: I hate you.
BLADE: Shut up and take this gun.
KAREN: Ooh, shiny!

SCENE FOUR

DRAGONETTI: I am sexy, because I am Udo Kier. I am the vampire leader. I am also a big gayer.
FROST: I want your job.
DRAGONETTI: Not unless I can have filthy vampiric buttsex with you.
FROST: No.
DRAGONETTI: No buttsex, no job.
FROST: GODDAMMIT!


SCENE FIVE

QUINN: Haha, now I've got you, BLADE, and your little friend too!
BLADE: Oh, but you're forgetting something.
QUINN: What?
BLADE: You're Frost's bumbling, half-witted, incompetent foil. You never get to win when you fight me.
QUINN: Oh yeah? Well –
BLADE: *wins*
QUINN: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE SIX

KAREN: Check it out, I found some stuff that makes the vampires' heads explode.
BLADE: Ah, so that's why we have a hematologist in this movie.
KAREN: No, I'm also here to force you to confront the repressed elements of your psyche, like your feelings about Whistler and your mother's murder.
BLADE: I hate you.
KAREN: Shut up and take this syringe.
BLADE: Ooh, shiny!

SCENE SEVEN

FROST: Join us or die.
BLADE: Let me think about that. No.
FROST: GODDAMMIT! *runs away*

SCENE EIGHT

FROST: My ego hurts. I think I'll go kill all the characters not scheduled to appear in the sequel.
WHISTLER and DRAGONETTI: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE NINE

BLADE: I wonder if the stuff in this syringe works.
VAMPIRES: *HEADS ASPLODE*
BLADE: Cool!
BLADE'S MOM: Hi, Blade.
BLADE: Mom?!
MOM: It's really me. Frost bit me and um, now we're lovers.
BLADE: Great. You know, it'd be hypocritical of me not to overlook the bloodsucking soulless demon thing, but you're also fucking my archenemy.
MOM: Wait, don't kill me!
BLADE: Why?
MOM: Because…I'm hot snatch?
BLADE: Whoa, Mom, too Oedipal for me. Besides, didn't you see the hematologist chick? What a babe. When this is over I’m gonna –
AUDIENCE: GET ON WITH IT.
BLADE: Yeah. *stab*
MOM: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE TEN

QUINN: Haha, I've got your sunglasses. Come on, fight me for them, fight me, fight me fight –
BLADE: *wins*
QUINN: GODDAMMIT!
FROST: I've summoned the Blood God and now I'm invincible. Come on, fight me, fight me, fight –
BLADE: *wins*
FROST: GODDAMMIT!
BLADE: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.
BLADE:. …
BLADE: Seriously, this movie should have ended right there.

THE END
Tags: film, film: blade, loony fangirl, m15m, movie, review
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