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Blade in fifteen minutes - Sauntering Vaguely Downward [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat

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Blade in fifteen minutes [20050913|21:46]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
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Once upon a time, I wrote a fifteen-minute parody of one of my favorite cheesy vampire flicks.

I did it again.

Blade in fifteen minutes

SCENE ONE

TRACI LORDS: Hi, I got paid a ridiculous amount of cash to be in this movie for all of five minutes, but I want you to know that the role I'm playing is actually much more complex than it might appear at first gla –
BLADE: No one asked you to talk, bitch. *stab*
TRACI LORDS: GODDAMMIT!
DEACON FROST: Hi, I'm Stephen Dorff, and I'd like to thank the director for casting me in the role of, uh, Stephen Dorff.
QUINN: I wanna fight Blade!
DORFF/FROST: Be my guest. *runs away*
BLADE: *wins*
QUINN: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE TWO

KAREN JENSEN: I'm a hematologist in a vampire movie. This doesn't bode well for me.
QUINN: Ooh, food! *bites KAREN*
KAREN: See, I told you.

SCENE THREE

WHISTLER: I help Blade kill vampires.
KAREN: Great. Need some help?
WHISTLER: Okay, but first we have to dangle you in front of them so we can find their leader.
KAREN: Dude, this role sucks.
WHISTLER: You're a hematologist in a vampire movie. What did you expect?
KAREN: I hate you.
BLADE: Shut up and take this gun.
KAREN: Ooh, shiny!

SCENE FOUR

DRAGONETTI: I am sexy, because I am Udo Kier. I am the vampire leader. I am also a big gayer.
FROST: I want your job.
DRAGONETTI: Not unless I can have filthy vampiric buttsex with you.
FROST: No.
DRAGONETTI: No buttsex, no job.
FROST: GODDAMMIT!


SCENE FIVE

QUINN: Haha, now I've got you, BLADE, and your little friend too!
BLADE: Oh, but you're forgetting something.
QUINN: What?
BLADE: You're Frost's bumbling, half-witted, incompetent foil. You never get to win when you fight me.
QUINN: Oh yeah? Well –
BLADE: *wins*
QUINN: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE SIX

KAREN: Check it out, I found some stuff that makes the vampires' heads explode.
BLADE: Ah, so that's why we have a hematologist in this movie.
KAREN: No, I'm also here to force you to confront the repressed elements of your psyche, like your feelings about Whistler and your mother's murder.
BLADE: I hate you.
KAREN: Shut up and take this syringe.
BLADE: Ooh, shiny!

SCENE SEVEN

FROST: Join us or die.
BLADE: Let me think about that. No.
FROST: GODDAMMIT! *runs away*

SCENE EIGHT

FROST: My ego hurts. I think I'll go kill all the characters not scheduled to appear in the sequel.
WHISTLER and DRAGONETTI: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE NINE

BLADE: I wonder if the stuff in this syringe works.
VAMPIRES: *HEADS ASPLODE*
BLADE: Cool!
BLADE'S MOM: Hi, Blade.
BLADE: Mom?!
MOM: It's really me. Frost bit me and um, now we're lovers.
BLADE: Great. You know, it'd be hypocritical of me not to overlook the bloodsucking soulless demon thing, but you're also fucking my archenemy.
MOM: Wait, don't kill me!
BLADE: Why?
MOM: Because…I'm hot snatch?
BLADE: Whoa, Mom, too Oedipal for me. Besides, didn't you see the hematologist chick? What a babe. When this is over I’m gonna –
AUDIENCE: GET ON WITH IT.
BLADE: Yeah. *stab*
MOM: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE TEN

QUINN: Haha, I've got your sunglasses. Come on, fight me for them, fight me, fight me fight –
BLADE: *wins*
QUINN: GODDAMMIT!
FROST: I've summoned the Blood God and now I'm invincible. Come on, fight me, fight me, fight –
BLADE: *wins*
FROST: GODDAMMIT!
BLADE: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.
BLADE:. …
BLADE: Seriously, this movie should have ended right there.

THE END
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: khayman
2005-09-13 20:54 (UTC)
Reminds me of m15m.
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[User Picture]From: khayman
2005-09-13 20:55 (UTC)
Nevermind, realized you mention it in your original post.

... and that I probably found m15m from you in the first place.

I'll just shut up now.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-13 21:10 (UTC)

Cowbell!

Hehe, no worries. If it were an open comm, I would have posted it there. Might be kinda cool if somebody made one. Then again, I don't know if I'd want to read a lot of crap m15m's. An application-based comm would be ideal.
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[User Picture]From: khayman
2005-09-13 22:11 (UTC)

Re: Cowbell!

True, you must be clever enough to be entertaining.
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[User Picture]From: shamroq
2005-09-13 20:58 (UTC)
"No buttsex, no job".

An old story with a modern twist! I like it!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-13 21:12 (UTC)
Forget apples. Ass bribes are much more effective.
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[User Picture]From: sadira42
2005-09-13 21:00 (UTC)
Ahaha. Now I want to watch Blade again.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-13 21:19 (UTC)
Good, good. I'm here to help. :-D
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From: capitalflash
2005-09-13 21:05 (UTC)
*grins* spot on. only i never even knew Traci Lords was in it!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-13 21:16 (UTC)
Yep, she's the vampire in the long red wig at the beginning.
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-14 06:40 (UTC)
I'm sorry. Should I have LJ-cut that farther up? :-P
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From: tdj
2005-09-13 22:20 (UTC)
"Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill."

Fucking genius.

Legend has it that the line was something Snipes said on set, and the director heard it and immediately worked it into the movie.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-14 06:45 (UTC)
Ah, that's beautiful. An improvisation destined to rival Rutger Hauer's "tears in rain" speech at the end of Blade Runner.
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[User Picture]From: smallfurry
2005-09-13 23:20 (UTC)
once again, your summarization skills are brilliant! I'd love to see your take on blade trinity, but that would mean you'd have to actually watch it. I like you too much for that.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-14 06:47 (UTC)
I didn't even see Blade II, so I'd have to watch both of them. I think a lot of vodka would be required.
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: smallfurry
2005-09-15 01:29 (UTC)
there is not enough vodka in the world for blade 3.
worst. movie. ever.
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[User Picture]From: danaid_luv
2005-09-14 04:11 (UTC)
*grinning* You're fabulous. Honestly. It's been too long since I've seen Underworld so the characters are murky in my mind, but Blade stuck w/ me and your swift interpretation is a riot.

Would you mind if I pointed folks in your direction? Even just for your ground-floor, public bits. More people should be reading. (S'ok if it's a "no").
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-14 06:58 (UTC)
I don't mind being pimped. It seems pretty passive-aggressive to me to make public entries and object to people reading them. Then again, this is the INTARNET! :-P
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[User Picture]From: danaid_luv
2005-09-14 21:14 (UTC)
You know it. Not that I would expect you to be a fit-pitcher, but it's flat *odd* what sets folks off.


*shuffles off to find purple velvet pimp duds*
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[User Picture]From: arkany
2005-09-14 06:24 (UTC)
BLADE: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.
BLADE:. …
BLADE: Seriously, this movie should have ended right there.


shityea.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: nanila
2005-09-14 06:39 (UTC)
And how.

(Also: Hello, hello, o tale-spinner stranded in the city of angels.)
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