Log in

No account? Create an account
Sauntering Vaguely Downward [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat

Serious Business | Flickr
Bounty Information | Wanted Dead or Alive: Mad Scientess Nanila
Deeds of Derring-Do | Full of Wild Inaccuracies and Exaggerations

Day 21: Facing the music. [20041029|13:09]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
We wake late. I can't seem to muster any aggrieved feelings about the previous evening. I make coffee and breakfast for Marco with a surprisingly sympathetic spirit. We talk a bit more about what happened. I am still not sure that the level of anger I experienced was triggered entirely by his actions that night. I know that I am in a fragile state at the moment. I am reshaping myself. I have deliberately destroyed many of the foundations for my self-esteem through this move. I have no pat answers for the questions people ask me. I don't have a job, I'm not looking right now and I don't know what I'll be doing in the future. I am no longer an academic researcher, I am not a student, I have no place in a corporate hierarchy. I am in limbo. My footing is uncertain. I am in the process of proving to myself that I can make friends, lively and stimulating conversation, and do creative work that can attract other people's attention in places other than the customary outlets of science. I don't expect to reach a conclusive, static state any more than I ever did previously. It's just that I've never tried it after moving several thousand miles away from my native habitat.

The only person that gives me a sense of familiarity right now is Marco. He is my anchor, and I am frightened at my need for his presence. I am scared of losing him. I do not think I wanted to admit to it fully.

[User Picture]From: hunterxtc
2004-10-30 22:11 (UTC)

The Safety Net...

this post reminds me of how I felt when my mother died, and I wondered if I could continue to survive without some sense of "someone" to give me a form of solace. But I didn't like my mother, and in a sense I felt much better when she was not around anymore, but it made me think about my concept of the safety net. As much as we can remain free and easy with ourselves and our lives, we always have that certian fear that what we are doing might blow up in our faces. And to temper that fear, we have to have the safety net of something or someone to keep us sane and on track. Whether it's a big pot of money, or a person who has incredible strength, I think we all need something.

However, I have found that when the world is dark and the safety net is pulled from us, we find that inner strength to make things work. To keep the world as we know it going.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: kittenhotep
2004-10-31 11:12 (UTC)
So much relating to this, and I've not even made the life changing move yet. I will call you once I am out of my own fug and we can go out and drink cocktails. Cocktails are clearly the answer.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: nanila
2004-11-01 15:03 (UTC)
Will they also have little umbrellas and bits of fruit in them? I find those very comforting.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)