September 13th, 2005

me: ooh!

Blade in fifteen minutes

Once upon a time, I wrote a fifteen-minute parody of one of my favorite cheesy vampire flicks.

I did it again.

Blade in fifteen minutes

SCENE ONE

TRACI LORDS: Hi, I got paid a ridiculous amount of cash to be in this movie for all of five minutes, but I want you to know that the role I'm playing is actually much more complex than it might appear at first gla –
BLADE: No one asked you to talk, bitch. *stab*
TRACI LORDS: GODDAMMIT!
DEACON FROST: Hi, I'm Stephen Dorff, and I'd like to thank the director for casting me in the role of, uh, Stephen Dorff.
QUINN: I wanna fight Blade!
DORFF/FROST: Be my guest. *runs away*
BLADE: *wins*
QUINN: GODDAMMIT!

SCENE TWO

KAREN JENSEN: I'm a hematologist in a vampire movie. This doesn't bode well for me.
QUINN: Ooh, food! *bites KAREN*
KAREN: See, I told you.

SCENE THREE

WHISTLER: I help Blade kill vampires.
KAREN: Great. Need some help?
WHISTLER: Okay, but first we have to dangle you in front of them so we can find their leader.
KAREN: Dude, this role sucks.
WHISTLER: You're a hematologist in a vampire movie. What did you expect?
KAREN: I hate you.
BLADE: Shut up and take this gun.
KAREN: Ooh, shiny!

SCENE FOUR

DRAGONETTI: I am sexy, because I am Udo Kier. I am the vampire leader. I am also a big gayer.
FROST: I want your job.
DRAGONETTI: Not unless I can have filthy vampiric buttsex with you.
FROST: No.
DRAGONETTI: No buttsex, no job.
FROST: GODDAMMIT!

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