April 21st, 2005

kusanagi: crack

A Case for LiveJournal

You know, I see a lot of people complaining about their dissatisfaction with LiveJournal. I think it's worthwhile to spend a little time counteracting all this negativity with some Reasons to Love LiveJournal.

First of all, think about why you started your LiveJournal. I'd be willing to bet that there were two main precipitating forces: peer pressure and boredom at work. I can already hear the howls of protest. I'm my own person, you are shouting. I don't need other people telling me what to do. Right. So, you started this journal without the intention of attracting an audience. And that's why you're putting it online in large community and not writing it in a paper notebook or a text document on your home computer. As for the second force, I hear still more shouting. I don't work! I'm at home! I can't check LiveJournal because of the firewall! I hate to break this to you, but boredom at home is still boredom.

So, you're here because now you've got an audience eager for the fruits of your intellect. Plus, you're still bored.

We come (ha!) to the first Reason to Love LiveJournal: access to free pr0n. If you're a girl the written word gets you hot, there's plenty of fanfic out there for every taste by some true virtuosos, capable of producing mpreg Fred-George twincest at the drop of a hat. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.) There are pervy hobbit fanciers, pervy pirate fanciers and pervy underage wizard fanciers. I am willing to admit that it was through LiveJournal that I discovered h0tt gay vampire sex. (I hope you don't me to tell you that that link is SO not worksafe.) Any pairing you can possibly think of, and the more improbable, the better, is probably available in a LiveJournal community. But wait! There's plenty of stimulation for the boys the visually oriented, too. I mean, you can have yourself some classy sepia-toned vintage sex. You can chose between shaven and unshaven pussy. If you don't want to sully your cache with such obvious filth or if you prefer titillation you can always add a lot of pretty girls to your friends list and wait for them to post pictures of themselves, because inevitably, they will.

I don't know that we need a whole lot more motivation to keep a LiveJournal than access to free pr0n, but I shall push onwards regardless. The second Reason to Love LiveJournal is the intellectual simulation. I mean, the voyeuristic satisfaction of reading the intimate details of other people's messed-up lives. Particularly if you live in Britain, because LJ is cheaper than a TV license. Sadly, it's not as easy as it used to be in the olden days of LiveJournal, when people were a lot less prudent. Fortunately, other sites have stepped into the breach left by the LJ team's sudden development of scruples. However, the perennial favorites are still here.

The third Reason to Love LiveJournal is the proliferation of distracting links.

The last, and most important, Reason to Love LiveJournal is the comments. Is there an easier way to satisfy your inner attention whore than to come home to find 27 new messages in your inbox? That aren't spam? I don't know about you, but I eat that stuff up with a spoon. Content doesn't matter. I could pour my little heart out or spend hours constructing a rational argument on some relevant and flammable topic. You could comment saying, "I am Mahir. I KISS YOU!!!" and I'd still do a little dance of joy when I opened my browser. (This is not an invitation to copy and paste. You can think of your own stupid reference to legendary internet personae.)

Other sites may claim to provide one, or even two, of the above services, but here is where it all comes together to make an unfathomable tangle of absorbing distraction. LiveJournal, I salute you!