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Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another -- Ambrose Bierce - Sauntering Vaguely Downward [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat

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Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another -- Ambrose Bierce [20120209|11:50]
Mad Scientess Jane Expat
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I recently went through a depressive episode. It was horrid, and it's over, and that's all I'm willing to say about it publicly so please don't ask about the cause. Suffice it to say it was nothing to do with the bloke or with any of my friends. Or my parents. Or the cats.

I am now capable of observing, from the side of it on which I have discovered that there is still some light and joy in the world, that the deepest pit of it lasted about 36 hours. The gradual slope down to the pit lasted for weeks before it abruptly dumped me into the bottom, but the part where I wanted to sit in a corner and sob my heart out forever was about a day and a half long. Which really doesn't seem like very much time at all, especially given what I know some of my friends have to go through on a daily basis.

[Disclaimer: This is my experience and may not apply to you, especially if you are chronically depressed.] One of the thrilling (pls note sarcasm) things about depressive episodes, is the curious effect they have on time. They manage to make all the minutes and seconds and milliseconds and microseconds and nanoseconds of that period last for ELEVENTY MILLION YEARS. This week dragged on and on and on until mid-day yesterday, when time flipped back to normal and suddenly I had two and a half days left to do all the things I had meant to do all week. I find myself perceiving what seemed like eleventy million years just a day or so ago is about THIRTY EIGHT NANOSECONDS, twelve of which I have just spent writing a journal post. And now I have guilt, which is dangerously likely to feed back into depression, so I will stop.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: alice_mccoy
2012-02-09 13:27 (UTC)
Two things,

1) Welcome back

2) There is no such word as Eleventy its Eleventeen.

;)

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[User Picture]From: doccy
2012-02-09 14:42 (UTC)
...If there's no Eleventy, why is there a Twelvety? Hmm?
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[User Picture]From: bryangb
2012-02-10 00:18 (UTC)
What kind of person thinks eleventy is the same as eleventeen - I mean, is forty the same as fourteen?
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2012-02-12 18:23 (UTC)
Oh dear, you've just reminded me that I'm out of my irresponsible tweens. Drat.
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[User Picture]From: purplecthulhu
2012-02-09 14:34 (UTC)
Sorry to hear about this, but glad you're back now!

Am wondering if the AB quote works when the unhappy other is yourself in the past - I think it probably does.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2012-02-12 18:26 (UTC)
Yes, I think it does. Certainly I'm able to look back on the last week's emotional rollercoaster from the perspective of resigned and slightly cynical amusement.
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[User Picture]From: nimoloth
2012-02-09 17:40 (UTC)
It's an awful feeling. I'm glad you on the other side now.
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[User Picture]From: jixel
2012-02-10 00:17 (UTC)

but wait, why are you now a mirror reflection of yourself?

aw (wo)man, life is efil (evil get it?) sometimes
don't ever do anything stupid
none of it matters (queue gong...)

glad you're ok though (pats head)
we're all here to help!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2012-02-12 18:21 (UTC)
Thank you. I want to stay on the other side forever, but I fear that isn't going to happen.
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[User Picture]From: angelcityblues
2012-02-09 18:22 (UTC)
As a recent graduate to the ranks of those with seemingly chronic depressive episodes, I see your guilt and will raise you a quart of anxiety for every nanosecond of paralysis and/or inability to slog through even the most basic of tasks.

It sucks.

Other than being heavily medicated, I don't see much of a way out of it for myself. I don't self-regulate well, especially in panic mode. I am glad that you have seen your way through it. It gives me hope that someday, I'll be able to do that, too.

love you.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2012-02-12 18:21 (UTC)
Love you too. As soon as I get my passport back, I'm booking a week's holiday and a flight to Cali.
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[User Picture]From: cosmiccircus
2012-02-10 01:51 (UTC)
I'm glad things are better! And I hope they stay better!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2012-02-12 18:17 (UTC)
I hope so too. Thank you.
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[User Picture]From: victorine
2012-02-10 02:17 (UTC)
Time is a cruel mistress. or maybe it's just our perception of time. No, I'd rather blame the thing that's not me!

Oh! and I heard a great made up number on "How I Met Your Mother" (it's a sitcom with Neil Patrick Harris and Willow from Buffy, in case you aren't familiar with it.) One of the characters says, "I'll bet you a floppety jillion dollars...." and I just thought that was awesome so I had to share!
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2012-02-12 18:17 (UTC)
I have made a mental note to offer a reward of a floppety jillion dollars, should the opportunity arise.
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[User Picture]From: nanila
2012-02-12 18:20 (UTC)
Thank you. Had a little dip today, but I don't think it's too serious. Should be fine as long as I'm busy at work tomorrow. I think you know what I mean.
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